Life in these United States is becoming difficult to satirize. When reality morphs into absurdity, what’s a fella to do? Laugh? Cry? Go along with the joke? God, it seems, not only is sovereign in the affairs of men, He’s got a hell of a sense of humor.
Here’s just a smattering of what once would have been considered stranger than fiction, but today has become the way of the world.
“Old age is no place for sissies” – Bette Davis
A Dutch guy, using the same logic invoked by the “trans” movement, says if people can now choose their own sex, oblivious to their biological plumbing and DNA, then he thinks he ought to be allowed to choose his age. He prefers you knock off about 20 years of his actual life lived and to have everyone regard him from this point forward as being in his 40s.
Does this mean he will forego old age benefits, and senior discounts at the movie theater? What will that do to insurance companies’ life expectancy tables? Stay tuned for the next installment of Weirder than Science.
Vote early and vote often
In a continuation of a not-so-proud American tradition, votes in Florida deemed illegally cast nevertheless were mixed in with the real things to be counted under the supervision of a Democratic Party vote official. And just in the nick of time, boxes of previously uncounted ballots showed up to be included as well.
Up to that point, Floridians were under the misconception they had elected two Republicans, one as governor and one to the U.S. senate. But it seems Democrats just keep manufacturing votes until they come up with the numbers they need. It was Josef Stalin who said, “It’s not the people who vote that count. It’s the people who count the votes.”
There’s nothing new under the sun…
In fairness (or perhaps unfairness) American vote-fraud tradition has deep roots. Democrat Lyndon B. Johnson earned the nickname “Landslide Lyndon” because he lost the 1948 primary election for U.S. Senate, until (insert drum roll here) Democratic party operatives discovered an uncounted box of ballots in lucky Precinct 13 of Jim Wells County.
After a lot of fuss, a tally revealed 202 additional voters, some of them dead and buried in the local cemetery, who apparently queued up at the polling place at the last minute, signing their names in alphabetical order with the same blue ink in the same handwriting and all voting for LBJ, who miraculously went from loser to winner by a scant 87 votes. Two Democratic Party-friendly newspapers, the New York Times and Washington Post, decades later reported the fraud. By then, LBJ had been senator and president and died. Where were they in 1948? Where are they today in Florida?
It’s so hot that…
Global warming alarmists have ranted for decades about irreparable harm allegedly caused by earth’s average temperature increasing maybe a half degree over half a century. Al Gore infamously predicted nearly 20 years ago that global warming would wipe out polar bears. But polar bear populations have increased so dramatically they now are the threat. There are “too many polar bears in parts of Nunavut and climate change hasn’t yet affected any of them,” says a Canadian government management plan.
“Inuit believe there are now so many bears that public safety has become a major concern,” concludes a four-year government study. “Public safety concerns, combined with the effects of polar bears on other species, suggest that in many Nunavut communities, the polar bear may have exceeded the co-existence threshold.” Two Inuits were killed by the bears last summer. That’s not satire. That’s reality.
“If you think health care is expensive now, just wait ’til it’s free.” – P. J. O’Rourke
Nearly as popular a contemporary myth as the “threat” of global warming are the utopian promises of single-payer health care, which we are assured will not only be “free” but better in all respects than what exists today. Sadly, reality shatters this dream as well. While politicians pledge you can have “free” health care, they neglect to mention it will cost more than all the king’s horses and all the king’s men can collect in taxes.
For California alone, the taxpayer’s cost to provide single-payer “free” health care would be $400 billion a year. That’s twice what the state now pays for everything it provides, from schooling, to freeways, to courts, to, well you get the idea. Nationally, so-called “Medicare for all” would cost $3.2 trillion a year. Doubling federal income and corporate taxes wouldn’t cover it, as if that would ever happen. Even if some magic wand made trillions of dollars materialized, health consumers still would end up with “pain, suffering and death, permanent disability, and forgone wages,” as one expert put it, because of intolerably long waiting lists and unacceptable delays in service, as England and Canada have proven with their nationalized systems. Of course, if you’re willing to wait four months for brain surgery as one in five must in England, maybe it’ll work for you. Provided you can find those trillions of dollars necessary to pay for such “improvement.” See how hard it is to satirize something that’s already ridiculous?
“To preserve our independence, we must not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt.” – Thomas Jefferson
Your sagacious federal government lectures us on “How to make a budget,” using an example of an incompetent spendthrift to teach you the lesson. A government video <https://www.usa.gov/saving-investing> on the subject begins with… “Every month Michael ran out of money just before payday. He had to skip paying some bills and pay some bills late. He hated that.” The solution from the geniuses in Washington? “So, Michael decided to make a budget to see if it would help him pay his bills when they were due…His expenses were higher than his income…He started cutting…That solved the problem.” Voila! Simple as that.
Here’s the rub: according to the Congressional Budget Office, the federal government’s own ever-growing mountain of deficit-spending debt will soon mean there won’t be enough income from taxes to pay even the interest on the debt, which by 2020 will be more than the feds now pay for Medicaid, and by 2023 more than it spends on national defense, and by 2025 more than all nondefense discretionary spending combined. Do these government fiscal wise guys even read their own advice?
“We are our choices.” ― Jean-Paul Sartre
Planned Parenthood, subsidized by half a billion tax dollars of tax money every year, has a new advertisement that features a sweet, infant girl, then declares that this adorable baby deserves to be loved, she deserves to be wanted, she deserves (ready for this?) to be a choice. Huh?
You know, of course, what “choice” means in the vernacular of the tax-subsidized outfit that aborts a baby every 97 seconds, 887 a day, or more than 320,000 a year as of 2016. It means the baby deserves to be killed, if her momma chooses to kill her. Does reality get any more grotesque than that? Yep, it’s way, way beyond satirizing.
The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of Barb Wire.