[This should have posted on April 1st for obvious reason]
- Joe Biden apologizes for being a creepy old groper and says he’ll enter a monastery to reflect on a life misspent.
- Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has announced she’s entering a 12-step program for recovering statists.
- Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer have pledged to provide every penny of funding for a border wall and to donate 100% of their congressional salaries to the project until its completed.
- Adam Schiff says he’ll stop taking mind-altering substances.
- Nicolas Maduro will leave Venezuela forthwith and devote the rest of his life to building a memorial to the victims of socialism.
- Mitt Romney promises to become a Republican.
- The Imam of Grand Mosque of Mecca is preparing to convert to Judaism.
- Jane Fonda says she’ll commit seppuku before the Vietnam War Memorial on Veterans Day.
- The ACLU and SPLC announce they’ll disband and donate their assets to the Alliance Defending Freedom.
- Hillary Clinton takes a vow of poverty, will return millions accumulated through graft and corruption, and has promised to introduce the president at his next rally.
- After Brexit, the European Union announced its dissolution. The UN will relocate to Tierra del Fuego.
- Ruth Bader Ginsberg says she’ll read the Constitution.
- Bernie Sanders confessed he sleeps in a coffin lined with his native earth.
[Editor’s Note] –
- Maxine Waters voluntarily admits herself to anger management classes.
- Cory Booker and Kamala Harris join white nationalist organization.
- Adam Schiff admits he is delusional.
- Elizabeth Warren admits she has obtained college entrance and jobs based on fraudulent claims of being a minority person.
- Rod Rosenstein admits he appointed Robert Mueller as Special Counsel and gave him instructions to target President Donald Trump.
- Mitch McConnell vows to support Trump 100%.
- Democrats and Republicans begin putting the American people ahead of their personal political agendas.
- North Korea keeps promise to totally denuclearize.
- Hamas and Palestinians recognize Jerusalem as Israel’s rightful capital.
- Michael Bloomberg vows to spend millions of dollars to protect 2nd Amendment rights.
- Facebook, Google, Amazon and Instagram makes restitution to thousands of conservatives they targeted and vows to protect their constitutional rights.
- US Supreme Court declares that the unborn are protected by the US Constitution and abolishes abortion.
- NAACP and Al Sharpton admit they are racists.
- Barack Obama admits he perpetrated the greatest hoax in American history because he was NOT born in the United States.
The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of Barb Wire.