Phonies Who Claim to Be Conservative: We’ve Had Enough!


The Left is crazy and currently embroiled in its own horror show of groping, doping, raping, and scraping scandals, so let’s not waste time bellyaching about Doug Jones and the bodily atrocities he is sure to commit. You must give credit to scoundrels, they are too corrupt or too dumb to pretend to be anything else.

Instead let’s vent about the people who are our friends, and who ran out of breath mints last night. With no more ways to hide their true political dishonesty, you have the putrid halitosis coming from the conventional “conservative” leadership quoting William F. Buckley and each other and showcasing their trappings of respectability–look, Ma! They have tenure! They’re lawyers and get grants from Mystery Donors! They’re trending on Amazon! Liberals invite them to parties! They get to represent “our side” on the View, on CNN, on MSNBC, in guest editorials for the Wall Street Journal, and at civilized tea-and-crumpets simulations on “bipartisan” sites like Heterodox Academy.

These are the people who have made their whole careers on telling people across America that their conservative interests are safe in their hands. They have made sure that people across America only hear from them, because they get big money from shadowy financiers who allow them to control all the platforms. They send recruiters to loiter around their alma maters and scoop up well-bred bluebloods from elite schools to groom, puff, and polish, so they can rise through the ranks of the right-wing advocacy circuit and become the next generation of conservative raconteurs.

Supposedly these people are smarter than everyone else so they must be trusted to make decisions for the Republican Party. (The Republican Party, in case you don’t know, is a ragtag but telegenic assemblage of phonies, creeps, and pantywaists who lucked into control of the American government because the Left had too many cuckoos they couldn’t keep in their respective closets. But the Republican Party knows nothing, does nothing, and is worth even less.)

Trending: Demand Justice! Obama and Hillary BOTH Got Caught Committing Imprisonable Offenses and NO ONE IN OUR GOVT CARES!!!

Since I am Puerto Rican, I do not speak passive-aggressive. My mom was a loud lesbian rabble rouser, daughter of a man who only made it to fourth grade and could fight with a machete, descendants of a mix of Basque exiles, Spanish colonists, black slaves, and some ancestors who look Indian but we have no idea where they came from because historical records show that all the Indians in Puerto Rico were wiped out by 1510.

But I happen to believe in all the basic tenets of a conservative platform, especially on social issues. So like a lot of Americans who have their own reasons for being, without meaning to, “socially inappropriate” in the conservative world of tweed, pedigrees, and cotillions, I just had to make do with the political landscape before me. Some people are too Southern, others too Puerto Rican, others too Trumpy, grumpy, or dumpy, whatever.

We all have reasons for knowing that we yearn to see a society based on moral values, religious devotion, and God’s design, but we will never be the author of the month at the Conservative Book Club. We are the conservative millstone around the neck of the official conservatives, because we are the actual people who populate the moral landscape that the Buckleys of the world were supposed to represent. Remember when William F. Buckley said he would rather be governed by the first 2,000 names in the Boston telephone book than by the faculty at Harvard? He was talking about us.

What are we supposed to do? We didn’t want abortion, gay marriage, comprehensive sex ed in schools, common core, campus fascism, open borders, endless wars for oil, corporate consumerism, or rape culture. We honestly don’t even care about people’s race and think highly of women, so we’re generally tongue-tied and flabbergasted when people attack us for not taking racism seriously enough or supporting a sexist patriarchy. We just want to live in a decent society.

So we organize. I’ve done this, so have many of you. We do raffles, conferences, book clubs, citizen meetings, prayer circles, and fundraisers. We even spend our hard-earned money sometimes inviting the phonies, creeps & pantywaists to speak to the blue-haired ladies about religious liberty or some gospel-related issue. And then we see that no matter what do, wackos thugs & perverts take over everything and won’t leave us alone.

The response of the endlessly out-of-breath and “I’m speechless” conservative intelligentsia is usually to make us angry at some liberal outrage which they plan to do nothing about and usually secretly support, or to bombard us with hyperbole about some legalistic issue like states’ rights, religious liberty, or free speech on campus. If we try to write a counter-perspective, we don’t get into any of the major press outlets. If we criticize the conservative elite, we find ourselves shut out and blacklisted. Some of us have become poster children for a news cycle and then set aside like an embarrassing stepchild they wish they could get rid of.

We put up with this when it was the breath-mint conservatives chasing after Trump. At least when they wrote pompous admonitions to us about why we shouldn’t support him, they were referring to the public record and giving their subjective take on what all of us could acknowledge was commonly accepted fact. Trump did make degrading comments so we could look at the breath-mint conservatives’ overly delicate outrage as just a legitimate difference in interpretation. What they were saying was, at its core, fair, even if we didn’t agree with them and we knew we had to get someone like Trump in office or live with Clintonian perversion as an everyday sword of Damocles over us.

But in Alabama, this has turned into something very different. The accusations against Roy Moore were never credible, let alone proven, and many of the “conservative” opponents of Moore were clearly engaging in reckless defamation of character. I can deem fair someone’s subjective difference of opinion about Trump, but I must deem totally unacceptable the dissemination of defamatory talking points, which I know for a fact these people had solid cause to doubt.

I feel embarrassed for these conservatives who sought to destroy Roy Moore. But we got, at least, a useful map of the swamp that Trump encouraged us to drain. The people who bashed Roy Moore claiming that they were principled conservatives were not sheltered, naive, gullible, or stupid. They were calculating, cold, and corrupt. That’s scary. This is the time to turn to local networks, build alliances, sidestep the major conservative organizations, pray, and fight with your own voice. You cannot let PhonyCon, Inc., screen your concerns anymore.

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of Barb Wire.

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