The New, Improved First Amendment

Barb Wire

Harry Reid, the Democrat panjandrum in the Senate, who likes to call his own constituents “domestic terrorists,” wants to rewrite the First Amendment. That’s no surprise. But first let’s review the text of the current First Amendment.

“Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition Government for a redress of grievances.”

Those few words are a thorn in the progressives’ flesh. Specifically, Sen. Reid wishes to rewrite the First Amendment to exclude the Koch brothers from the political process. The Koch brothers contribute to conservative candidates and causes, and Reid thinks that shouldn’t be allowed. Of course, he has no problem with George Sauron bankrolling ultra-left candidates and causes: just the Koch brothers, and anyone else who’d want to do the same. Sen. Reid has a bee in his bonnet. He was recently awarded three Pinocchios by the Washington Post Fact-Checker for accusing the Koch brothers of being “one of the main causes of Climate Change.” The Post believes in Man-Made Climate Change, but sees no point in trying to sell it with lies a four-year-old could penetrate. They understand it’ll take cleverer lies than Harry’s.

Meanwhile, the libs ‘n’ progs of America would love to do a total rewrite of the First Amendment—not only to shut down the Koch brothers, but to solve all their problems with that pesky opener to the Bill of Rights. Once they get the First out of the way, they’ll have a much easier time with the remaining nine.

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And now for an exclusive.

Thanks to incredibly resourceful secret agents, we have obtained the first draft of the New First Amendment, to be proposed by Democrats at their next national convention. We are not at liberty to tell you which big-name progs have signed it so far. Suffice it to say that any guess you make is likely to be right.

Here it is, in its entirety.

“The president shall make no decree or edict, nor shall any court make a ruling, restricting the establishment of the Secular Humanist religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech within designated free speech zones, unless the president deems such speech hateful, racist, homophobic, or otherwise unacceptable, or of the freedom of the press to support, praise, and cover for the president; or the right of gay Americans, labor unions, welfare recipients, or undocumented immigrants peaceably to assemble and petition Government for redress of their grievances against the rest of America.”

Prog leaders and celebrities are expecting “overwhelming public support” for the New First Amendment, especially in those districts where the president won re-election with a voter turnout in excess of 100 percent. “Now that we’ve learned how to manage it,” says a high-profile prog politico from Chicago, “it ought to be a cakewalk.”

Says a noted academic, “The old, obsolete First Amendment has been nothing but a hindrance to progress in this country. We waste endless time having to listen to people whose argument is just plain wrong. How are we ever going to catch up to China, if we don’t become like China? Climate Change deniers, racist critics of the president, homophobic supporters of traditional marriage, xenophobic opponents of amnesty for undocumented aliens, and peasants who cling bitterly to their guns and their religion—we simply don’t have time for them anymore.”

“This is not a major change,” adds a presidential adviser. “All Americans will still be free to voice their support for the president and his enlightened policies, and to express their well-nigh universal admiration for him. No one will be inconvenienced except for those very small groups of nay-sayers who try to block the fundamental transformation of America.”

“The time has come to modernize,” says a highly paid law professor at a prestigious university. “For better than one hundred years, the smartest people in America have been trying to put the management of the country into the hands of legal, administrative, and scientific experts. The New First Amendment will do it.”

America’s churches, says a well-known liberal denomination leader, “will hop aboard this bandwagon as soon as it gets rolling. Now the world will see that, in America at least, the voice of God is the voice of the state. And vice-versa!”

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of Barb Wire.

Lee Duigon, a contributing editor with the Chalcedon Foundation, is a former newspaper reporter and editor, small businessman, teacher, and horror novelist. He has been married to his wife, Patricia, for 34 years. See his new fantasy/adventure novels, Bell Mountain and The Cellar Beneath the Cellar, available on
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