Florida Man Demands Right to Marry Computer

Barb Wire

The homosexual agenda has certainly opened the floodgates for sexual deviancy and bizarre erotic obsessions. And you can’t say we didn’t warn you.

Chris Sevier, a Florida man who is definitely not playing with a full deck, is fighting for what he feels should be his right to “wed” his Macbook. Apparently, he has fallen in “love” with his pornography-packed computer. “Over time, I began preferring sex with my computer over sex with real women,” he told a judge in Florida.

The situation sounds eerily similar to the plot line of Spike Jonze’s 2013 movie Her, in which a very weird character named Theodore Twombly (played by Joaquin Phoenix) becomes romantically involved with “Samantha,” the Artificial Intelligence in his computer, voiced by Scarlett Johansson. Talk about life imitating sick and twisted so-called “art.”

And just like every pro-natural marriage advocate has repeatedly cautioned, Mr. Sevier is utilizing the exact same arguments of the homosexual activists. No surprise there.

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Mr. Sevier earlier applied for a marriage license for himself and his “machine spouse,” but his outlandish request was, for obvious reasons, denied, thus prompting his legal actions.

If homosexuals have the right to “marry their object of sexual desire, even if they lack corresponding sexual parts, then I should have the right to marry my preferred sexual object,” he argued.

Sevier, a self-described “former judge advocate and combat veteran,” has filed his claims not only in Florida but also Utah. In the 50-page Utah motion, he was hoping to ride the coattails of an ongoing federal appeal over the state’s constitutional Marriage Amendment 3, suggesting that the “love” he has for his laptop is the same as the bond between homosexual couples and that denying him the equal rights amounts to discrimination. Sevier is demanding that the 10th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals “put up or shut up” about expanding equal protection to sexual minorities.

“We are in different classes of sexual orientation,” he told the court in Utah. Yes, you heard that right. In Sevier’s tormented mind, Objectophilia is a sexual “orientation.” Where have I heard that kind of thing before?

As a matter of fact, in each of the following comments, Mr. Sevier sure has put his “creative” spin on the broken homosexual record:

If homosexuals feel like second class citizens, then Mr Sevier complains that ‘those of us in the real minority, who want to marry machines and animals, certainly feel like third class citizens.’

The exclusion from marriage to a machine denies myself a dignity and status of immense import.

If there is a risk that is posed to traditional marriage and children, both man-man couples and man-machine couples pose it equally.

In considering the equal protection clause, there are no fewer policy reasons for preventing man-machine couples from marrying than there are for same-sex couples.

In making his legal arguments, Mr. Sevier cited several judicial precedents around the world, including a woman who married a dolphin and a Chinese man who wed a cardboard cutout of himself. The courts in Florida and Utah eventually found Sevier’s arguments unconvincing, but with challenges to sodomy-based marriage bans being fought in several our nation’s courts, we can most assuredly expect more similar lawsuits. And since several Justices on the U.S. Supreme Court have displayed a peculiar fondness for foreign law, perhaps an appeal to America’s top court might be in his future.

Unfortunately, Sevier is not alone in his freakish fetish. Maybe he can find some solace in his legal loss by talking with Erika Eiffel or Mary Fernandez, two fellow objectophile fruitcakes.

Erika Eiffel, an American archery world champion, has had a love for objects ever since she was a little girl. “I thought everyone had a connection to objects in one way or the other. It really wasn’t until I saw that they were dating each other and I was dating a bridge, that I was different. I just went to school and pretended I was like everybody else,” she explained.

In a sick sort of way, Eiffel’s love of objects has served her well. She became a world-class archer and won a $250,000 scholarship to the United States Air Force Academy, all thanks to her strange obsession with the F-15 fighter jet. Eiffel said when she saw the F-15 she thought, “I’d like to get to know this jet. Kind of like a guy goes to a bar and he sees a really nice-looking girl and he, he wants to go sit next to her, buy her a drink and get to know her more. Well, I kind of felt that way about the F-15.” That’s what eventually lead her to enter the archery competition.

However, her love of objects later earned her a discharge from the Air Force. That’s when she found true love, with the Eiffel Tower. “Her structure is just amazing. You know, she’s got subtle, subtle curves, you know,” Eiffel said in describing her “wife.” Erika participated in a “commitment ceremony” in 2007 with the Eiffel Tower. “I will tell you that I know love is being reciprocated,” Eiffel contends. “I’m happy, I’m not hurting anyone, I’m not hurting myself, I’m not being held back. I love my life.” You really can’t make this crazy stuff up — “truth” is certainly stranger than fiction.

Eiffel is also the founder of OS Internationale, an organization formed for those who develop significant relationships with inanimate objects. In April 2009, on the second anniversary of her “marriage” to the Eiffel Tower, she appeared on Good Morning America to discuss how her object love empowered her. Moreover, her more than 20-year “relationship” with the Berlin Wall inspired the musical theater production “Erika’s Wall.” I guess some people don’t mind talking to walls.

In 2011, Mary Fernandez of Houston, Texas gushed, “The iPhone outperforms almost every man I’ve ever dated, I’m so happy I said iDo.” Fernandez “wed” her iPhone 3GS by utilizing MarryYouriPhone.com, a free public service that allows people to enter into “marriage” with their Apple devices.

For those who are “serious” about getting hitched with their iDevice, they can head on over to the site and sign the petition to “make it legal for ALL entities to have the right to marriage, whether they be carbon-based or metallic in nature.”

Since his Macbook is an Apple device, that should be great news for Mr. Sevier.

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of Barb Wire.

Jeff Allen is both a senior editor and columnist for BarbWire. He also serves as senior pastor in a mainline Christian church in Indiana. He is an ordained elder in the Church of the Nazarene. Jeff is involved in several community ministries.
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