There are times I’d forfeit a brand new hairdo and my eyelashes all in a curl for a fake beard and camouflage. Silly women making goofy remarks send me straight to “Duck Dynasty” auditions as a long-lost brother.
Senator Barbara Boxer (D-Calif.) announced that building the Keystone Pipeline will increase cancer:
How are more Americans with cancer in the national interest? How is it in the national interest when kids playing baseball have to duck and cover from dangerous pollution?
The entire U.S. population should have been eradicated by now, according to Boxer’s theory. I’m guessing she’s never consulted a map showing more than 180,000 miles of existing liquid petroleum pipelines in the U.S.
What we need is a “Duck and Cover Blind” to save us from Boxer’s pollutants.
“White men” succeed because they don’t have wombs, according to feminist Gloria Steinem. Steinem, Jane Fonda and Robin Morgan recently released their report, “The Status of Women in the U.S. Media 2014.” It includes a graph reportedly comparing the “gender and ethnicity of guests on Sunday shows.” It’s “White Men” vs. “Everyone Else.” And you thought racism is always bad.
It’s a feminist equality equation: Women + Everybody Else should beat white men every time. It makes sense if you use the Common Core math curriculum.
Steinem complained to a female media host that there aren’t enough female media hosts:
If we didn’t have wombs, we’d be fine. It’s about controlling reproduction.
One hates to state the obvious, but sometimes it’s such fun. If Gloria’s mom hadn’t had a womb, Gloria wouldn’t be in media griping about women having wombs.
Take Cecile Richards, president of Planned Parenthood, please. She doesn’t give a flying fig if Planned Parenthood abortuaries are snuffing out human life.
Jorge Ramos of Fusion TV asked Richards why it would be “so controversial for you to say when you think life starts?” After several dodges, Richards finally replied:
I don’t know that it’s controversial. I don’t know that it’s really relevant to the conversation. For me, I’m a mother of three children; for me, life began when I delivered them.
Prior to delivery, her children were what—cumquats?
Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Texas), a former judge and current member of the newly-formed “Congressional Full Employment Caucus,” thinks it’s the job of Congress to write “executive orders”:
I believe this caucus will put us on the right path and we’ll give President Obama a number of executive orders that he can sign with pride and strength.
This is why there shouldn’t be full employment in Congress.
Did you hear the one about the “drone” flying a few inches from the face of Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif.)? According to Politico’s Kathryn A. Wolfe, Feinstein held her hand a few inches from her face when she appeared as a witness before a Senate Commerce Committee hearing on Jan 15, telling them:
[T]here was a drone right there at the window looking out at me. … Obviously the pilot of the drone had some surprise because the drone wheeled around and crashed, so I felt a little good about that.
It turns out that the “drone” may have been one of two remote-control toy helicopters that activists flew outside Feinstein’s San Francisco house in June, during a Code Pink protest against National Security Agency spying.
Be secure in the knowledge that Feinstein chairs the Senate Intelligence Committee, and apparently doesn’t know a toy helicopter from a drone.
House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) still reigns supreme at saying stuff that freezes your brain.
“Daily Show” host, Jon Stewart, asked Pelosi why the ObamaCare website isn’t working. Pelosi said she doesn’t know why and it’s not her “responsibility” to know, just like it wasn’t her responsibility to know what was in ObamaCare before she pushed it on us.
What Pelosi, the patron saint of poet laureates, isn’t telling us is that the guy they hired to fix the website was fed up with being “job-locked,” and quit to follow his “passion” for writing poetry:
There once was a nerd from Nantucket
with software tools in his bucket.
He pitched his tools when a band of fools
freed him to pick the taxpayer pocket.
Men and women are as equally capable of genius as they are at uttering babble. Case closed.
The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of Barb Wire.