The following is not based on real events. Any allusions to persons or issues, either real or imaginary, is strictly coincidental. No live animals were harmed during the making of this satire, but a few dead ones were consumed. They were tasty, too. We just want you to know that.
Announcer: “Hi, you’re listening to Pride Radio, where it’s all Rainbow Jihad all the time. You know our motto, the only good religion is a silent one. We’re taking your calls at 1-800-666-LGBT. Let’s go next to Steve, who says he’s calling from America’s Heartland. Steve go ahead and speak your mind, and do so with pride!”
Steve: “Hi, um, Pat. Thanks for taking my call. I’ve got a few questions for the movement at this critical time in our nation’s history. Do you mind?”
Announcer: “Of course not. We’re all about tolerance and diversity here.”
Trending: Is the Church Becoming Too Political?
Steve: “Gee, thanks Pat. You know, I’ve been thinking about all this controversy recently regarding so-called gay rights and religious liberty, and where the Constitution comes down on all of this. I’m hoping you can help me figure it out for both my gay and straight friends and family.”
Announcer: “By all means, fire away.”
Steve: “Okay, here’s my first one. Where in the Constitution does it say anything about having a right to any kind of sexual behavior? Second, how can you have a ‘right’ to something that requires consent from another party? For example, I can breathe on my own without consent from another, which is why if you try to stop me from breathing you’re charged with murder for violating my right to life. Yet, the only people who claim they get to have sex with any adult they choose are called rapists. Certainly you’re not an advocate for rape, Pat, so where does this supposed ‘right’ to have sex come from then?”
Announcer: “It’s called the freedom of association, Steve.”
Steve: “Yea, about that, Pat. Did you know the words ‘freedom of association’ are nowhere in the Constitution? Which was actually going to be my third question, so great minds think alike. Besides, even if those words were there the men that would’ve written them all would’ve came from colonies that viewed homosexuality as a crime against nature. So you can’t logically make the assumption your behavior is what they meant.”
Announcer: “Sounds like you’re one of those religious zealots, Steve, who doesn’t know there’s a separation of church and state.”
Steve: “Yea, Pat, about that, too…you read my mind again. That’s my fourth question. Where are the words ‘separation of church and state’ found in the Constitution? I’ll give you a hint, Pat, it’s right next to where the words ‘freedom of association’ aren’t located, either.”
Announcer: “Nice try, there Steve-O, but the Supreme Court has ruled these things are implied in the Constitution, as well as a right to privacy.”
Steve: “Which Supreme Court would that be, Pat? Would that be the Supreme Court that once ruled Dred Scott wasn’t a person but property because he was black? Would that be the Supreme Court that once ruled we were a ‘Christian nation?’ Would that be the Supreme Court that said as recently as 1986 laws banning sodomy were Constitutional? That’s my fifth question, how do we know when the Supreme Court is right and when it’s wrong?”
Announcer: “Well, we know when it’s based on human progress and what’s right and wrong. That’s simple common sense.”
Steve: “If it’s so simple then you should be able to easily answer my sixth question. How do we know when something is right and something is wrong? What is the authority for knowing such a thing? Where does that authority come from? Is there ever a time when that authority could be wrong, and if so how would we know that?”
Announcer: “Sounds like you’re for a theocracy, Steve.”
Steve: “Isn’t it funny how you immediately assumed I was implying we’re accountable to God and not just ourselves in my last question. Why would you assume such a thing? It sounds like your conscience has been pricked. Then how about my seventh question, if homosexual behavior is the natural state of things then how come almost every same-sex attracted person tries to resist the tendency at first? I mean if same-sex attraction is determined at birth like race as your side claims, can you point me to any former black or Asian people? Because I can point you to many former homosexuals, even the wife of the liberal mayor of New York City as just one example.”
Announcer: “I think we’ve just about had enough of your hate speech.”
Steve: “Pardon me, Pat, you’ve been very gracious with your time. I have just have three quick questions to close this out. Do you think government should demand under threat of fine or jail a Jewish deli owner handle and provide non-Kosher foods for his gentile clients? Why or why not? Do you think government should demand under threat of fine or jail a black restaurateur cater a KKK rally? Why or why not? Do you think government should demand under threat of fine or jail a homosexual t-shirt maker print clothing honoring now-deceased hate monger Fred Phelps? Why or why not? Thanks, and I’ll hang up and listen.”
Announcer: “Enough is enough, bigot. My LGBTQ friends, allow me to apologize for the wrong side of history you were just subjected to. How about a little Lady Gaga ‘Born that Way’ to reset the mood? We’ll play it for you in a moment, but first remembering Alfred Kinsey: the man, the myth, the legend. And contrary to what those hate-filled conservatives claim, Kinsey only used one pedophile in his groundbreaking research…”
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