[Editor’s note: Eleven times (11!) RedState.com‘s Erick Erickson writes “I am not kidding” in his review of the new movie Noah. We’ve always found Erick to be a serious guy, so that kind of repetition helped a great deal in digesting his take on the film. Here is an excerpt, which includes the first three “I am not kiddings.”]
The film is a remarkable display of special effects. It is also one of the funniest comedies I have seen in a very long time. Aronofsky deserves a great deal of praise for turning a serious subject into a non-stop laugh fest of techno-electro music, orchestral scores, blasting special effects, and even rock monsters.
Therein lies my chief problem with the movie. The advertisement campaign tried to ease Christians’ nerves that all would be well, artistic license was taken, but the movie would be faithful to the story. If they hadn’t tried to con Christians into the movie, I wouldn’t have a problem. It was a pretty awesome sci-fi spectacle complete with Ent-like rock monsters, a super powered Methuselah, glow in the dark space alien Adam and Eve, and Hermione Granger. “God” is never mentioned. He is referred to throughout as the “Creator.” I get that a director has to fill a two hour movie based off of a couple of chapters in the Bible, but holy cow!
The premise is pretty straightforward. Noah descends from the line of Seth. The serpent in the Garden of Eden shed its snake skin, which had magical properties that flowed from father to son. As Noah’s father was about to pass the magical powers off to Noah, Noah’s father is attacked by Cain’s descendant, killed, and Noah runs away. Cain’s descendant, soon to be King Cain, takes the snake skin unaware of its magical properties.
In flashback we see that Adam and Eve were glow-in-the-dark space aliens who became fully flesh once Eve bit into the fruit.
I am not kidding.
Noah grows up and — herein is a problem — somehow in the barren wasteland in which he lives has found a wife and has three sons. He has a wicked cool dream that convinces him he must seek out his grandfather, Methuselah, who lives in a mountain, because the Creator is going to destroy the planet.
Noah and his family cross a Mad Max line wasteland of rubble, pipes, skulls, and destruction. They save Hermione Granger, but are attacked by Cain’s kinfolk.
Noah and family rush past a mountain of skulls and are attacked by giant rock monsters. The rock monsters hate people. Turns out they are fallen angels who decided to take care of Adam and Eve once the “Creator” cast them out of Eden. To punish them, the Creator covers them in lava, making them rock monsters. They protected Cain’s folks until the people turned on them. Only Methuselah with his magical powers and flaming sword could protect the rock monsters from men. The rock monsters are rock like Ents, but behave like the green space aliens in Toy Story. They always look up and sing “the Creator” instead of “the Claw”
I am not kidding.
In any event, a good rock monster helps Noah and his family find Methuselah. There is no explanation for why Noah has left the green area of his grandfather for a harsh, volcanic desert. But there you have it. Anthony Hopkins … errrr … Methuselah lives in a cave up a mountain. He invites Noah to tea, giving Noah hallucinogenic tea. Noah learns he must build an ark in the barren wasteland that has no trees anywhere at all.
That’s okay because Anthony Hopkins … errrr … Methuselah has a magic seed from the Garden of Eden. Noah and the rock monster plant it.
I am not kidding.
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