The Dominionist Manifesto
What exactly is Dominionism?
Heard of the Illuminati? Skull and Bones Society?
Well, Dominionism is kind of like that except, whereas those pseudo-“subversive” societies are merely “super-secret” – Christian Dominionism is level-nine “super-duper-secret,” sealed in blood with the whole “hope to die,” “thousand needles” thing to emphasize we mean business!
Dominionism’s ultimate goal? Christian New World Order or bust, baby!
I’ll get to the manifesto part, but first, some housekeeping: Liberal Dominioners – though remarkably accurate in spite of so very little “actual information” – are way off on one thing. They think Dominionism was launched decades ago by the likes of Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson and James Dobson.
Dominionism Theology was, in point of fact, the supernaturally-breathed, prophetically-inspired vision of Big Chimney West Virginia’s very own Floyd “Snorty” Flubinowitz. (Snorty’s Taxidermy, LLC, corner of 9th and Vine behind the Piggly Wiggly.)
All hail Snorty!
Central to Dominionist Theology are the “7 Mountains of Influence” wherein Dominionist Theologians encourage Christians – Christians! – to positively influence our culture by getting involved in (1) Arts and Entertainment; (2) Business; (3) Education; (4) Family; (5) Government; (6) Media; and (7) Religion.
No, seriously; we intend to “go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,” and we’re scheming to deliberately defy the ACLU, leaving our potluck dinners to grow cold while we impetuously wander off church grounds to do it.
I know, right?
But it doesn’t end there. Liberal Dominioners – vigilant as they are – don’t know the half of it. They’ll be horrified to learn that there are actually “8 Mountains of influence” (Snorty kept one to himself in case the other 7 were discovered); “6 Pyramids of Supremacy”; and, “32 Molehills of Utter Despotism.”
Moreover… crud, my word count’s going over. Um – the manifesto, right. Well, here it is basically: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you…” or be summarily waterboarded.
(First published Sept. 2011)
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