America is cascading toward nirvana, now that progressives of various stripes have taken over the leadership of both major political parties and most cultural institutions as well.
However, our progressive patriarchs often speak in a tongue we mere mortals do not easily comprehend. We plebeians are still bitterly clinging to our dictionaries while our educated elites have evolved to Newspeak. Interpretation is required lest we risk losing such an important message in translation.
Thankfully, I have obtained a secret Ovaltine decoder ring that allows me to decipher what progressives really mean when they don’t really mean what they say.
Progressivism: “The science is settled.”
Translation: Most of the scientists are progressives, and those that aren’t couldn’t get tenured at band camp. Therefore, there’s really no need continuing to argue when all contrary data is just going to be ignored – or gets the person attempting to introduce it fired from their job.
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Progressivism: “You’re on the wrong side of history.”
Translation: This doesn’t refer to actual history like you’d read in encyclopedias or history books. This means the new history we are crafting at this very moment, which either completely disregards actual history or distorts it to the point your legacy as a people has been stolen from you.
Progressivism: “You’re a (fill in the blank) phobe.”
Translation: I’m scared to death I couldn’t win an honest debate with your side, so I will fear-monger and demagogue you to death instead. Calling you names means I don’t have to consider the validity of your arguments.
Progressivism: “We only lose elections because of gerrymandering.”
Translation: Since most people don’t even know what “gerrymandering” means, they’ll never bother to notice you can’t gerrymander winner-take-all statewide elections like governor and senator — which we just lost a ton of.
Translation: Tolerance for me, but not for thee. We will clamor for tolerance while our wacky ideas aren’t being tolerated by a society still awash in common sense. However, once we’re allowed to gain a foothold in the culture, “tolerance” will then transition into “dominance” and you will no longer be tolerated. But you will be made to care.
Progressivism: “Reproductive freedom.”
Translation: A self-refuting talking point, for we already have the freedom to not reproduce. It’s called not having sex, which is the only activity that spurs human reproduction. Except we want sex and reproduction divorced from one another. We want copulation without the coupling. That way, if reproduction occurs we have the freedom to kill the child before it’s born. Like right up to the minute before it’s born, and then maybe even after.
Progressivism: “Marriage equality.”
Translation: Another self-refuting statement, because any man who’s been married for more than six months knows no such thing exists. But “honey I was wrong” and “yes dear” most certainly does. We’re not arguing for true marriage equality anyway, because we’re not advocating for polygamy, polyamory, or the marrying of farm animals to be recognized as the new normal. Thus, we’re for marriage discrimination just like the right-wingers. That’s impossible to fit on a T-shirt, though, let alone a graphic on MSNBC.
Progressivism: “The courts have spoken.”
Translation: We’ve been stacking the legal system’s deck with our progressive ideas/proxies for over a century now. That way our plans would be exempt from voter scrutiny at the ballot box. On the other hand, should your people get elected and try to undo any of the damage we’ve caused, rest assured there’s an oligarch in a black robe waiting in the wings to strike you down with one bang of his gavel. True, these same judges have almost no constitutional means of enforcing their unlawful edicts, but your side’s leaders are too gutless to call our bluff. They actually repeat our pernicious lie as an excuse for why they can’t do the jobs you elected them to do.
Progressivism: “You’re a bigot that doesn’t deserve rights.”
Translation: All non-progressive ideas and ideologues will no longer be tolerated.
Progressivism: “I don’t believe Jesus would (fill in the blank).”
Translation: The only Jesus we know is the one we use for a swear word. We have no idea what the Bible really says or means, for if we did we probably wouldn’t be progressives in the first place. In our depraved minds, we have erected many shibboleths of the damned. Like preferring to believe Jesus is nothing more than a first century soothsayer. A dispenser of Galilean flower power, if you will. He wasn’t the world’s only true Savior, but he was its first hippy. This is the only Jesus permitted by progressivism. We altogether ignore Jesus the Christ, who bled out on an old rugged cross after he was beaten and tortured beyond recognition. So our consciences remain seared against uncomfortable concepts like “sin” and “salvation,” which go against the grain of progressivism. We know not the real Jesus. Reject his Gospel as truth. And believe him to be a liar for claiming to be God, when we know there is no god but ourselves, we still hold his teachings in high enough esteem to take them completely out of context (especially Leviticus) whenever his followers attempt to inject them into the mainstream.
In conclusion, if you’re tired of critically thinking, needing to have valid reasons for your beliefs, or providing proof that what you say is true, then progressivism is indeed for you. And if at first these talking points don’t work for you, just keep angrily and annoyingly spamming the comments section of every blog and every social media timeline with them as if you’re brainwashed anyway.
The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of Barb Wire.