Some Last-Minute Gifts You Shouldn’t Buy

Barb Wire

I know there are times when you simply can’t help trying to do all your Christmas shopping just as the clock is running out. Nevertheless, it’s always well to look before you leap. Buy in haste, repent at leisure.

So here is a quick guide to some gifts you should avoid giving unless you want to make someone mad at you. Without further ado, stay away from these:

Self-Esteem Poker. For fragile personalities who can’t be dealt a bad hand without being traumatized, who can’t lose, who can’t bear to see someone else win, this outrageously overpriced little item ($45.20) is nothing but an ordinary deck of cards with a single rule sheet explaining that from now on, regardless of what is being played, all the cards are wild cards. So everyone gets a royal flush every hand, no one ever loses, no one ever wins. From Social Justice Games.

Hillary Clinton’s Greatest Speeches, on DVD, 12 discs, 18 hours, for $249.99. Need we say more?

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The Affordable Care Act Kit, Part 2: Abdominal and Oral Surgery. $666.00. Finally, if you like your doctor, you really can keep him or her: because under the Ultimate Obamacare, your doctor, dentist, surgeon… is you. Yes, this is a do-it-yourself kit for removing a dicey appendix or an impacted wisdom tooth, etc. As the president himself says, “This does away with the need for malpractice insurance, cutting healthcare costs across the  boards.” Comes with instruction manual, scalpel, dental chisel, and a $5 coupon for a bottle of Old Crow Whiskey.

Poisonous Snakes as Household Pets, by the late Jimmy Bob Blobb, Heartache Press, $1.98. Ever wonder what it’d be like to have a black mamba under your bed, or a closet full of rattlesnakes? Keep wondering. J.B. Blobb’s insistence that poisonous snakes make swell pets led to an early and easily avoidable death.

Now, don’t get the idea that these gifts are inappropriate for Christmas, but OK to give as birthday, anniversary, or graduation presents. These are good gifts not to get for any occasion.

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of Barb Wire.

Lee Duigon
Lee Duigon, a contributing editor with the Chalcedon Foundation, is a former newspaper reporter and editor, small businessman, teacher, and horror novelist. He has been married to his wife, Patricia, for 34 years. See his new fantasy/adventure novels, Bell Mountain and The Cellar Beneath the Cellar, available on www.amazon.com.

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