Top Ten Reasons Why Hitlery Will Never Be President

Barb Wire

By Don Feder – BarbWire guest contributor

Think Evita after Botox treatments. Think Madame Defarge on a bad hair day. Think Lady Macbeth with serious issues (“Out, out, damned bimbo!”).

To listen to the babbling heads, you’d think the Goldwater girl-turned-Alinsky-disciple could start preparing her acceptance speech (maybe Eleanor Roosevelt will help her write it). “Ooh, she’ll raise so much money.” “Ooh, women want a woman president.” In the immortal words of General Anthony McAuliffe: “Nuts!”

Win the White House? Hillary couldn’t win a popularity contest if she was the only contestant.

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Here are the Top Ten Reasons Hillary Rodham Clinton is more likely to become a Victoria’s Secret lingerie model than the next president:

1. The Bucking-The-Tide Factor – Since 1948, one party has held the presidency for more than eight years only once – Reagan/Bush ’41 (1981-1993). The American people get antsy. Absent unusual circumstances, they want a regular turnover of power. Those circumstances existed in 1988. Voters wanted to give Reagan a third term – plus, the Democrats nominated someone so pathetic that even a weenie like George H.W. Bush could beat him. Governor Dukakis, the Democratic nominee, was so clueless that he thought revealing that he was a “card-carrying member of the ACLU” would help him to connect with Middle America. Unless Obama becomes very popular in the next 18 months, and the Republicans have their own Mike Dukakis waiting in the wings (Jeb Bush?), 2016 will not be a repeat of 1988.

2. The Scandal-Rama Factor – Google “Hillary Clinton” and the first word that pops up is “scandals” (1.84 million results). The hit parade includes – a six-figure profit from short-term commodities trading, Whitewater, head of bimbo-eruptions squad, Travel-gate, Benghazi, deleted e-mails and on and on. The key to electing Democratic presidents is not to have the candidate around long enough for his past to catch up with him –witness Clinton 1992 and Obama 2008.

3. The Way-Past-the-Expiration-Date Factor – Since Watergate, everyone wants to run as the proverbial outsider, who wouldn’t be caught dead at a Georgetown cocktail party. Hillary is anti-establishment? One way or another, she’s been in power for almost a quarter century – eight years as First Lady/Co-President, 8 years in the Senate, and 4 years as Secretary of State (after president, the most important office in the executive branch). It’ll be a gas to see how the spin doctors create the New Hillary. She’s tan, rested and ready?

4. The Elitism Factor – According to Gary Aldrich (“Unlimited Access”), the FBI man stationed in the Clinton White House, staff were ordered to avert their gaze when passing her in the halls. A friend met Bill Clinton at a political function after he left the presidency. He said that when the ex-president spoke with him, he made him feel that he was the most important person in the room. The attitude Hillary projects with strangers is “What the hell am I doing in a room with this schmuck?”

5. The Ideology Factor – Hillary has been reliably (as times outrageously) left since the Sixties. She was the radical rudder of the Clinton administration. Granted, she’s not as rabid as Elizabeth Warren, but who is? “Don’t let anyone tell you that, you know, it’s corporations and businesses that create jobs,” said she speaking at a political rally in Boston last year. She tried to nationalize health insurance 16 years before Obama. After eight years of ideology run amuck, are we ready for four more?

6. The Meanness/Anger Factor – On the stump, Hillary projects two emotions – anger and euphoria. She alternates between the vacant smile of a Stepford Wife and shouting. She’s a frustrated, middle-aged feminist who’s perpetually incensed. This persona is why so many young women reject the feminist label, even when agreeing with the movement on some issues. Again, she’s famous for outbursts, airborne objects and cold disdain. In the White House, when a Secret Service agent refused to act as a bellboy, she screamed “Stay the (expletive deleted) away from me!” In a candidate for the nation’s highest office, righteous indignation is one thing, rage and nastiness something else.

7. The Zipper Factor – Even though Hillary has probably threatened Bill with summary castration if he’s a bad boy during the campaign, what are the odds he’ll keep it zipped for the next 20 months? If he couldn’t when he was president, is it remotely possible he’ll go from frat boy to altar boy while she’s out campaigning? The latest escapade to come to light: In court filings, a woman claims that in 2001, she was an underage “sex slave” on an island owned by a Clinton-donor that the ex-president visited. The best his defenders can come up with is, “Well, she doesn’t say Bill had sex with her.” She also doesn’t say he had a threesome with a cheerleader and a clown.

8. The Night-of-the-Long-Knives Factor – Some of the most powerful people in her party have it in for Hillary – Obama, Biden, Secretary of State John Kerry. The Obama/Clinton rivalry is legendary. Barack doesn’t want his tenure viewed as a way station between Clinton presidencies. Kerry probably would like to run himself. Even if he doesn’t, the worse his predecessor looks, the better he looks. And Kerry is in the perfect position to leak details of her screw-ups when she had his job.

9. The Oh-Stop-You’re-Killing-Me Factor – She says things that aren’t merely stupid, but laughable – like her 2014 interview, when she told ABC’s Diane Sawyer that she and Bill were “dead broke” when they left the White House. Bill was only getting an annual pension of $201,000. He received a $15-million advance on his 2004-autobiography “My Life” (with my pants down). Immediately after departing 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., they bought a $2.85-million house in D.C. and a $1.7-million hovel on Long Island. Before she became a candidate, Hillary’s speaking fee was $300,000 – and she demanded a private jet to ferry her to gigs. Any day now, she’ll be on a street corner holding a sign that says: “Will spout absurdities for food.”

10. The Hideousness Factor – Lyndon Baines Johnson was the last profoundly ugly candidate to be elected president, and he was a legacy of the martyred JFK. Voters don’t want a leader who looks frazzled or frumpy. We’re told that Lincoln was too homely to be elected president in an age of television and paparazzi. But Lincoln’s homely face had a dignity, a gravitas. If nothing else, we want a face that reassures us, not one that scares us, a la Night of the Living Alinskyites.

Conservatives might as well get in their licks in now. After Iowa, we won’t have Hillary to kick around any more.

Don Feder is a former Boston Herald writer who is now a political/communications consultant. He also maintains his own website,

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The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of Barb Wire.

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