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Telemarketer

How to Answer (And Successfully Repel) a Telemarketer

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Lately we’ve been getting more and more nuisance phone calls. Whatever happened to that “do not call” list, I dunno. We have been searching for ways to turn the tables on these pests. Here are some suggestions. When a telemarketer calls:

*Try a lot of heavy breathing, without saying anything. Maybe throw in kind of a breathy little laugh, as if you were visualizing yourself tying Little Nell to the railroad tracks.

*If it’s a real person at the other end of the line, do a bit of acting, make yourself sound anxious, and ask, “Is this about the murder?” Give away no particulars, but act confused.

*More likely, it’s a robo-call. I don’t know what happens if you wait patiently–I don’t have that much patience–for the opportunity to respond, and then project some kind of loud, long, nerve shattering noise into the phone. Something like a tea kettle boiling over, say. Or turn on some horrible rap music, or an odious commercial, turn up the volume, and press the phone to the speaker.

I don’t guarantee that any of these will work, and I welcome suggestions as to how to relieve this irritation. “Hi! This is Jennifer! And our records show you stayed at one of our Halitosis Castle resorts recently–!” And it’s all a big fat lie because you haven’t stayed at anybody’s resort in 15 or 20 years…

Somehow, somewhere, there’s got to be a solution to this problem.



 

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