World of Warcraft Christianity: Fringe Fundamentalism
By J. Davila Ashcraft
The fantasy role playing game. World of Warcraft, is filled with all sorts of amazing creatures and places. For example, one can encounter Elves, talking Pandas, Giants, and magical portals that allow spooky monsters access to the world. Odds are you have met or in some way encountered Christians who seem to live in a very similar world. These “prophecy hunters” often dive headlong into the absolutely ridiculous, while claiming to be “watchmen”. The following is my own whimsical insight into this ludicrous world of make believe.
1. They Discover Mysterious Lost Tomes – They don’t want to be anything like those droll orthodox biblical Christians who spend their time reading the Bible and focusing on the teachings of Jesus as the very center of their lives. That’s boring! Instead they hunt down and read those so-called “lost books”, like the Book of Enoch. They find them in that mysterious place that otherwise is avoided like a dragon’s lair- the dreaded Library! Sure, these lost tomes aren’t canonical and aren’t scripture, but in their strange world of fantasy it sure beats reading those tired old gospels and epistles over and over again. They are sure to quote the magical words of these lost books to support their claims, and when orthodox biblical Christians rear their ugly heads demanding they use only canonical scripture, they’re sure to call them names, such as “Crypto-Papist”, “Ignorant fool” and other titles to de-Christianize them. After all, they have access to secret knowledge that those idiots insisting on biblical orthodoxy couldn’t possibly understand just using their Bible.
2. They Are Monster Hunters – The Bible tells us there is an invisible world of demons and angels, but is that really enough? No way! Not when you can chase Nephilim, Giant Hybrids, and Reptilians disguised as humans. Don’t forget these Nephilim Giants are often disguised as other humans as well (of course, they had to give up their height to do so, and they look exactly like real humans, sound like real humans, and do real human things like work a 9 to 5 job, eat fast food and sleep, but still that’s quite sinister, isn’t it?). And yet again, if those biblical Christians object to such strangeness, they always cast their Aspersion Spell and denounce anyone who says they’re delusional by labeling them a Nephilim Hybrid since no one can actually tell a Nephilim Hybrid from a real human anyway, or they just say they’re a part of the grand Horde of Satan’s conspiracy. It is important for these World of Warcraft Christians to always ignore any demands for proof, sources, scientific studies, or peer reviewed research. After all, it doesn’t matter that they don’t have evidence for theirr claims, just that they can call detractors names and publicly reveal their stupidity because they didn’t accept that photo of Batboy from the Weekly World News. They can always point out that evidence was provided, but that biblical Christian-being a Nephilim Hybrid himself- simply refused to acknowledge hard evidence in order to cover up the conspiracy.
3. They Discover Ancient Portals – According to stellar World of Warcraft wizard-theologians, there are ancient sites all over the world that, when activated in the End Times, will allow all sorts of monsters to enter our world! Nephilim will rain havoc down on the inhabitants of Azeroth…err..Earth, Giants disguised as aliens will come through in their UFOs with the help of the Vatican, and then those biblical Christians will wish they had studied that Lost Tome!
4. They Are Ready for the Next Adventure – They constantly research World of Warcraft scrolls written by the prophets of weirdness for all the wild adventures they can explore. Let orhers scoff as you move from one bizarre adventure to the next, always clamoring for the next weird tale, from Blood Moons, to Elongated Skulls of the Nephilim! The faith of those silly orthodox Christians is on the solid rock they say, which means it doesn’t go anywhere, while yourrs is vibrant and always moving from one adventure to the next. Much better than that silly “stability” those orthodox Christians rant about.
- They Go On Quests– It is imperative that you go on quests to fine tune your World of Warcraft Christianity lore. Attending those high counsels in far away lands with other World of Warcraft Christians is a must! There you will be amazed as the wizard-theologians of World of Warcraft Christianity spin their tales of secret plots by the black robed Jesuits to trick the inhabitants of Earth into accepting Nephilim as gods when they descend in their fiery UFO chariots, and strange stories of the Dark Lord’s high priest, Petrus Romanus, who is secretly a servant of the Horde of Satan and who rules the great Vatican of the Horde- the ancient enemy of World of Warcraft Christianity. If you attend enough counsels (just be sure to have lots of gold coinage with you, as those World of Warcraft wizard-theologians won’t reveal their secret knowledge freely, though it may be tax deductible) you will learn how to spot false Christians- those pesky orthodox types who always insist on sola scriptura and proof of your claims. They insist on “sound hermeneutics” and “exegesis” of canonical scripture, while they both sound like diseases to you. Your hermeneutics were painful, and meant you had to have your exegesis removed before the Nephilim found out you were weak, and thus you saved the realm from the dreaded scourge of orthodox biblical teachings. Those orthodox Christians are a foul pestilence on the land, and serve only to remind you that you and your kind do not need mere human wisdom- you have the secrets of the Skywatch Alliance!
On a serious note, the often bizarre conspiracy theories and flat out fallacious tales of fringe fundamentalism do nothing to advance the Gospel, and do everything to bring Christianity into disrepute. What we Christians who value sound theology need to be doing is denouncing such tripe at every turn, lest someone be misled.
Take, for example, the theories offered by such fringe figures as L.A. Marzulli, which are lifted straight from the occult underworld of figures like Erich von Daniken. There is no difference between the claims of Marzulli and those of the ignorant program Ancient Aliens. The only difference being Marzulli switches Nephilim for aliens. It is merely a change in focus, not content.
I have no desire to pick on Marzulli, but to point out that these kinds of science fiction sideshows are not biblically orthodox, rely heavily on non-canonical writings (Enoch), often have their roots in occult mythology or practices, defy any sense of sound hermeneutics, and, when examined closely, undermine orthodox biblical teachings regarding soteriology, hamartiology, eschatology and more. Instead of chasing prophecy with such false teachers, we should be focusing on the Gospel- living it, sharing it, and discipling others. So leave your monster hunting gear in the closet.
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