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Loretta Lynch

How the Government You Voted in Invents New Crimes

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These days you never know what’s going to be against the law from day to day. Microaggression, mis-gendering, “humanizing the fetus”—libs are just waiting to pounce on you for committing any kind of act that violates their safe space or foments “hate,” etc. You don’t even have to do it on purpose.

But what they really want is something they can actually put you in jail for. With this in mind, our beloved Attorney General Loretta Lynch recently told Democrat senators that she was looking into the possibility of prosecuting persons guilty of Climate Change Denial. She thought they might be able to do it by invoking the RICO Act (Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act)—since they aren’t using it to go after, say, the Clinton Foundation.

“It’s looking more and more doable every day,” said Deputy Attorney General Mao Tse-tung. “The RICO Act is more flexible than we thought. Once you get the knack of bending it this way or that, you can come after anyone for anything.”

Once the Climate Change deniers are safely locked away, said Mao, “Our next target will be those hate-filled, biggited individuals who refuse to recognize it when someone has his or her gender changed, refuse to celebrate it, and just won’t hop on board. These will be prosecuted for Gender Change Denial.”

With presidential candidate Hillary Clinton already promising to promote “transgender rights” for all she’s worth–and given the money that pours into the Clinton Foundation, she’s worth a lot—“She will have to be given the tool to do the job,” said Mao. “She must be given the power to prosecute anyone who attempts Gender Change Denial.”

What about First Amendment issues?

“Don’t make me laugh!” said Mao. “We polished off the First Amendment the first time we prosecuted a Christian baker for not creating a cake for a lesbian wedding! Why anyone should still think you can just say anything you want without suffering legal consequences, beats me. You’d think that’s the one thing we have made perfectly clear, over the past seven years—watch your mouth. And while you’re at it, watch what you write, too. Whether it’s a letter to the editor, or a paragraph on Facebook, or even just a little bitty tweet on Twitter, we’re watching you! And even if we can’t toss you into jail, we can always destroy your livelihood.”

Eventually, Mao continued, the Justice Department will be able to prosecute “all undesirable speech, all undesirable writings, and all undesirable thought.” This, of course, will require that the Justice Department be “fantastically expanded—probably to five or six times its present size and budget,” he said. “It’ll mean some pretty hefty tax increases, but that’s an insignificant price to pay for a government that’s able to abolish hate. Imagine a world without hate! Why quibble about the cost?”

Won’t these new waves of prosecutions fall very heavily, disproportionately so, on Christians and conservatives?

“Well, of course they will!” said Mao. “I mean, these people are criminals, aren’t they? Christians commit 90 percent of all the thought crimes in America!

“Religious freedom does not mean what they think it means. What America needs is a state-sponsored church which promotes no beliefs, no opinions, that could possibly offend any of our cherished minorities.”

But doesn’t the Constitution explicitly forbid the government from establishing a state religion?

No, it does not,” Mao said. “It only says that Congress can’t make a law establishing religion. It doesn’t say anything about the president doing it with an executive order! Gee, I thought that was the other thing we’ve made perfectly clear, these past seven years. Well, no problem—it’ll be clear as glass, when we get done.”

I have discussed these topics, and others, on my blog throughout the week. Please stop by and read! All it takes is just one click to get you there.



 

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