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Hot Off the Press! Election Results In Canada

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I feel like someone just stole my bicycle.

It was last August when Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper announced the date of the upcoming election. That election took place today.

Reserved Canadians

Now, up here in Canada, we aren’t so outspoken and we carry this Canadian gentleness even into our politics. Unfortunately, this laid back attitude allows a lot of Canadian politicians to get away with a lot of stuff without accountability.

It’s not like when my wife and I lived in South Korea for a spell. Watching their parliament on late night television meant you were sure to see a fight…like a “fight” kind of fight. Guys and even gals jumping across desks, toupees’ and ‘comb-overs’ in mid flight, senior statesmen swinging black leather shoes like Thor’s hammer.

Within minutes city hall would have riot police lined up and down the boulevard just up to the Seoul Outback Steakhouse. Crowds of kamikaze headband wearing protestors would swing picket signs around like they were trying to wave in a Jumbo Jet to the main drag. You do something wrong and you will get it from the opposition party and the people alike!

But Canadians, well most of us Canadians, show pride in being reserved, and liked, and finding polls in which our country finishes “top-two” of the “Friendliest Nations”. Never will you visit a country where you will get more “I’m sorrys” than here in good… old… friendly… Canada. We don’t want to cause a scene. Go home, drink your beer and watch your hockey.

Canadians have been quiet even when their past Prime ministers have proven to be outright crooks, like I mean, “crook” kind of crooks. Like embezzling money, kind of crooks. Get-paid-for-giving-privileged-information or federal-government-contracts-to-buddies kind of crooks. Out of the three main parties, more crooks have come out of the one than the other two combined. May I introduce to you, the Liberal Party of Canada!

The Main Contenders

This election we didn’t exactly have a stellar lineup of opposition, against the Conservative Party of Canada. Prime Minister Stephen Harper is the point man. Truth-be-told, ol’Stevie has done a fine job of leading us ‘Canuckles’ for the better part of the last decade. He has morals, class, empathy and when financial difficulty arrived at the Canadian border, the Conservatives stuck to the plan to keep Canada strong. And while banks around the globe were offering a speckled pony to each customer who deposit more than ten bucks into their own account, Canada’s banks were chugging along strong. In fact it was kind of a geeky pride ‘dealio’ with a number of us, “Yes, you have better beaches, but how are your banks?”

The opposing parties sent what were supposed to be their biggest threats to topple Stevie. But when Canada had a gander at these supposed political mercenaries, a lot of us couldn’t help react with but a chuckle! Especially at who the Liberal Party of Canada introduced (the other party doesn’t deserve mentioning).

Justin Trudeau

Justin Trudeau, lover of fine cars, expensive houses and cannabis. No, that wasn’t a misprint; Justin Trudeau believes that we should all be able to smoke pot, legally (I know you in Colorado have had fun with that). He announced this while visiting an aboriginal reserve to a bunch of teens. Like aboriginal teens don’t suffer from enough addiction issues already.

Justin Trudeau feels even when “Canadians” are tied to terrorism; they should be able to keep their Canadian Passports (even if they themselves have Youtube burned and renounced their Canadian citizenship).

Justin Trudeau believes in taxing us even more; like way more! (Canadians are already taxed to the hilt).

JT wants to open up the borders to even Satan himself.

Justin welcomes gay marriage and is an outspoken supporter of abortion.

JT wants to shut down the biggest moneymaker in Western Canada in the name of saving the environment: the oil industry (just so you know, every living soul in Alberta, Saskatchewan and Northern BC benefits or makes their ‘dough’ because of some sort of connection to the oil and gas industry).

In essence, he basically just said,

Hello Western Canada; Goodbye Western Canada, I don’t give a skinned hamster if you have food in your fridge or not.

Get this:

Justin Trudeau publicly stated that he didn’t have to worry about balancing the budget, the budget would balance itself.

Let me repeat that last bit:

Justin Trudeau publically stated that he didn’t have to worry about balancing the budget, the budget would balance itself.

I mean, most of us laughed! “Is this guy trying to not get elected?!”

The name Trudeau may ring a bell with some of you. And that’s because Justin Trudeau’s father, Pierre Elliot Trudeau was PM up here in the seventies. You may have seen photographs of Pierre giving the middle finger to the media during his reign. Yes, classy. It was widely whispered of his connection to the Communist Party. He made a mess of Canada and today we still use his name as a cuss when we’ve used all the other cuss combinations.

But as silly as JT sounded, he charmed all the young college students with his looks, his money and his “anything goes” creed. Like Obama, he went after the politically uneducated.

So, for those young Canadians who still live at home and don’t have to worry about the bills their parents are paying; for Muslims who have demanded to wear the tablecloth over their face during citizenship ceremonies; for those who want to smoke d’herb morning, noon and night, legally; for those who want to continue calling themselves Canadians just until the government checks arrive (based on their distinct societal status), and then, burn the flag the rest of the time; for those who think that we don’t need to worry about this budget crap! It will work itself out; for those who believe that Islam is still just a misunderstood, religion of peace; for all such as these, Justin Trudeau, is truly your champion!

What Does the Future Hold for Canada?

But for the rest of us, there sits a dark foreboding cloud over our easy chairs in the front room. While the Liberals celebrate tonight and maybe smoke a joint, blow a welfare check on strippers, wear a burqa or take part in some symphony of sodomy in the back alley behind the Quickie-Mart, we Conservatives wonder what tomorrow holds for us, for our kids and for our churches?

For those of us who have watched closely what has happened in the last eight years south of the 49th parallel, with your Muslim lovin’, gay marriage instating, border crushing, race dividing, military cripplin’, economy decimating supposed Christian Commander and Chief of what was previously the most powerful nation on planet (big breath JG!) Yes, for those of us who have watched, and now posses our own little Caucasian Barak Obama, we shudder to think what may happen, to this, “the friendliest nation on earth”.

Ladies and gentleman, tonight, in an exposition of the wickedness in their hearts, the Canadian public voted in Justin Trudeau as the twenty-third Prime Minister of Canada, by an overwhelming margin. Truly, we have our Saul.

May God have mercy on our souls.



 

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