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The GOP Embraces its Suck

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In human relationships it’s referred to as the “nine stages of grief.” In politics, it’s referred to as the five stages of suckitude.

Stage 1:

Do the right thing when it’s easy and doesn’t count, so then when you don’t have the courage to do it later when it does count, you can claim you still did.

Stage 2:

Go silent right before you’re about turn on your base and break your word to pretend as if you’re really agonizing over your sellout. See, if you’re really agonizing over something you’ll listen to voices of differing perspectives on the matter. But once your inner circle becomes your own echo chamber, you’re no longer agonizing

Stage 3:

After the sellout you pretended to agonize over, do not do media interviews or constituent appearances that might force you to have to defend the indefensible for at least several days. Thus, giving the system time to contrive another faux controversy to feed the idiocracy.

Stage 4:

Instead, put out a statement claiming that “it was a tough call,” and “there were no real good choices here.” You’re the highly paid victim who can vote himself a pay raise and a subsidized pension after all.

Stage 5:

When stages 1-4 fail, attach a legislative fig leaf to cover your shameful nakedness, which appeases the huddled masses your consultants convinced you are really stupid (sometimes these people are more respectfully referred to as “constituents”). Otherwise known as some uber-principled piece of legislation that you know has no chance of going anywhere, but allows your sycophants to deride those you betrayed and lied to as “purists” and “troublemakers” for being offended at your offense.

However, following Tuesday’s infamous betrayal, when several so-called conservative “champions” voted to retain Obama’s Perpetual Man of Orange as House Speaker, I suggest we spare ourselves this condescending and futile exercise. Let’s just cut right to the chase, shall we?

If your excuse for selling us out is “the only viable Speaker candidate” was the guy that funded the entire Obama agenda the past two years, your excuse sucks.

If John Boehner was the “only viable Speaker candidate” then the Republican Party is in even worse shape than I think it is.

Do you think conservatives might have “viable” candidates for positions like House Speaker if we were actually invited to work our way up through the ranks for a change, instead of shut off from a seat at the table? You know, like a healthy political party might do, and not a crony capitalist racket?

Could any of those “thoughtful” and “respected” conservatives who voted for Boehner yesterday, because there supposedly weren’t any “viable” challengers, please enlighten us as to the last time they substantively challenged leadership on anything?

How come none of these “thoughtful” and “respected” conservatives who thought the Boehner alternatives weren’t “viable,” didn’t run then?

If you care so much about your conservative principles and voting record, why vote to retain the very leadership that stymies the conservative agenda at every turn?

Please, pray tell, what exactly could John Boehner do that might cause you to not support his sorry example of “leadership?” Remove key conservatives from committees—check. Betray conservatives on the House floor—check. Mock conservatives publicly—check. Betray the promise made to the American people not to pass massive spending bills nobody has read—check. Fund every last cent of Obama’s most heinous policies a majority of Americans oppose—check. Have I missed anything? I think the last time someone in western government had this much tolerance for being road-kill they were named Neville Chamberlain.

Do you really expect us to give you credit for voting against Boehner on a voice vote two months ago, when you failed to stand up to him when it mattered most – on the floor of the House?

So please, shadow boxing conservative, stop sending out your passive-aggressive press releases and whining to your mainstream media stenographers that the very people who put you there are the problem here, and not you.

Instead, I have a better idea.

I believe in a God of second chances, but these second chances have to be accepted. They’re not automatic. You know, that whole “go and sin no more” thing.

So how about showing some sincere public repentance? Admit you’re human and you blew it, and you succumbed to the system. Then work to pay back your base restitution by aggressively pushing a conservative agenda where it matters most—the House rules. Finally, start meeting now to plan who exactly is then a viable conservative alternative to Boehner, and how do we get him the Speaker’s gavel?

Anything less is as meaningless as all the campaign promises you’ve already broken by leaving Boehner in there to aid and abet Obama in the first place.



 

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