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Help Wanted: U.S. Attorney General

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I hope they didn’t tell us Eric Holder is resigning as Attorney General just so we would feel bad when he found out it isn’t true. Personally, I’ll know it’s true when I hear the door hit him in the kiester on his way out.

But if it is true, they’re going to need a new Attorney General. To read the lefty nooze media’s odes to Holder as the world’s great champion of civil rights, you’d never recognize him as the same lawless, race-baiting, villainous varmint the rest of us have come to know and loathe. Don’t hold your breath waiting for them to come up with someone better.

As it happens, we have a fly on the wall at the White House who has eavesdropped on the discussions among the president’s advisers. Our confidential source reveals that the president left brief instructions before departing for his next vacation.

The president reminded his advisers that, with 51 Democrat votes in the Senate, “I can do anything I want. I can appoint anyone I want, and they’ll confirm it. And if the Republicans don’t like it, they’ll keep their traps shut because they’re afraid the media will call them racists.”

After the president shouldered his golf clubs and left, chief adviser Nick Abaddon opened the discussion.

“I have convinced the president that we want someone worse than Eric Holder,” he said—“someone more biased, more political, more lawless, and even more immoral. Not only does this jibe with the president’s aim to fundamentally transform America into a broken-down, socialist wreck of a once-great country. It also lets us duck the criticism we’ll face if the next AG is an improvement over Holder: ‘Why did you stick us for six years with that bum, when so-and-so was available?’”

Abaddon ticked off the “obvious” candidates—Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, Jesse Jackson Jr., Harry Belafonte—and dismissed them. “They’ll be as bad as Holder, but we want someone worse.”

He then mentioned two candidates he said the president “favors.”

“First, Bill Ayers—formerly with the Weather Underground, whose face used to be on FBI posters in every post office in the country, so right there you’ve got name recognition; now an honored educator, so there we’ve got the teacher unions in our corner; and also the president’s own mentor who first got him into Chicago politics. If there’s anyone in public life who hates America as much as the president does, it’s Bill Ayers. He’ll make Eric Holder look like James Madison.”

If Ayers proves unavailable, Abaddon said, “The second candidate will be something in the nature of an October surprise, big-time.”

As hardened as they are to actions which have debauched and weakened America, the other advisers still gasped when Abaddon dropped the name.

“Jerry Sandusky! Right now, he’s sitting in jail, doing no good to anybody. But think what he could do, if we turned him loose in the Justice Dept.

“Sandusky is on the cutting edge of the continuing Sexual Revolution—which, as you know, is one of the president’s all-time favorite transformation projects. All he needs is a presidential pardon for his so-called ‘crimes’ against children. And if, contrary to expectation, we do run into opposition in the Senate, well, there’s always the option of the executive order making him de facto Attorney General. But if the Democrats get thrashed in the November elections, and we lose our majority in the Senate, then I think the lame-duck Senators will be in a mood to take revenge. And how could they punish the voters more severely than by saddling them with Jerry Sandusky for the next two years?”

Finally, Abaddon said, “There is a key constituency without whose support no Democrat would ever be elected.

“I’m talking about the dead—dead voters who turn out by the thousands in every urban voting district, every Election Day, to support our candidates. Isn’t it about time they were rewarded with a key post in the Cabinet?”

The dead offer a wide selection of desirable Attorney General candidates, he said—“Benedict Arnold, Al Capone, Juan Corona, Aaron Burr, and Julius or Ethel Rosenberg, just to name a few. Among the dead, the list is endless.

“And if none of those names strikes your fancy,” he concluded, “please remember one more vital element in our party’s voting base—fictional characters, people who never existed. That gives us access to wonderful nominees—like The Joker from the Batman movies, Professor Moriarty from the Sherlock Holmes stories, or even Lord Voldemort from Harry Potter.

“Remember, the next United States Attorney General has to be someone even worse than Eric Holder. And it’s up to us to find him.”



 

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