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Swingin’ for Jesus? ‘Christian’ Couple swaps partners as ‘ministry’

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By Rebekah MaxwellBarbWire guest contributor

This Week’s Sign the Apocalypse is Upon Us

The modern church is always looking for new ways to be hip, relevant, and popular to this neon-shiny culture of death. After all, we can’t save those poor souls if we don’t reach out, right?

It seems we’ve discovered the secret to making all the pagans love us: do what they do.  We sin right along with them, to become as reprobate…er, “relatable” as we can.

Dean and Christy Parave are self-labeled Christians in Florida. And they think they’ve found a brilliant way to rescue the lost: getting lost themselves.

They’re proud swingers. As in, a married couple who habitually have sex with other people’s spouses. They also run a swingers website, to match couples and facilitate the swinging lifestyle. But they say it’s all okay…they’re preaching to their sex partners. Just like God intended.

“People are like, ‘You’re supposed to be a Christian but you’re a swinger.’ Well, if all the swingers are sinners, what’s the best way to talk to the sinners? To join ‘em, right?” Dean told Barcroft TV.

Yeah. I’m gonna need chapter and verse on that, dude.

I see where Jesus met with the prostitutes…but not where he had sex with them in order to “minister.”

“I don’t think God would be mad at what we are doing,” Cristy said. “At first I was conflicted, but the more we looked at it, the more it makes sense to us.”

Wonder how that decision-making process worked. 1) Here’s an urge I want to act on. 2) But it goes against God’s commands and my conscience, doesn’t it? 3) But I really want to. So let’s do it anyway!

Flawless logic.

In the interview, one of their fellow-swinging friends named Danny said “In the Bible, there are so many gray areas. It says “don’t covet your neighbor’s wife.” But what if your neighbor wants you to covet her?”

Hmm. People might want to do something God told them not to do? That’s utterly unheard of. I guess He never thought of that…He shouldn’t have made those Ten Commandments so darn vague.

“The Bible doesn’t talk about swinging specifically,” Christy said.

Again, I can’t believe God was so vague with “Thou shalt not commit adultery.”  So many interpretations there.

In fact, I bet they’ve discovered, after all these years, the huge mistake in John 8:11. Jesus didn’t tell a sinning woman (*caught in the act of adultery*) to “go and sin no more.” He must have told her to go and “sin on more.” Big difference.

Keep it pimpin’ in the name of Jesus, then?

“I just feel like if you agree on something as a married couple, it’s ok,” Christy said. “If it’s not, then Judgment Day, I’ll find that out.”

That seems reasonable.

Let’s follow the logic. Shooting heroin didn’t kill me today, so it must not be bad for me. And it made me feel great! So I’d better keep doing it. Plus, I can tell all the other junkies about Jesus and stuff. That must be what God wants me to do. He didn’t tell me not to do heroin…except maybe in that Bible somewhere. But that’s a lot of gray area. So I’d better keep shooting up because I want to…and so I can preach to the other sinners. About sinning. While sinning. And if that was wrong, I guess I’ll find out when it’s too late to escape eternal punishment in a lake of fire. What do I have to lose?

“It’s still a sin,” Dean said. “It’s just, how are you using it.”

And here we come to the real crux of the matter (pun intended). Sin all the more that grace may abound. It’s so genius! I can’t believe no one has thought of it before. In fact, I’m not even sure why we need Jesus at all…since this Florida couple must be infinitely smarter than the Son of Man himself.

Think for a moment: why on earth should Jesus have come here, to suffer a torturous and agonizing death for our sins? Why didn’t he just “use” sin? It’s not a crippling slavery that captures our bodies and minds and corrupts our very souls, a certain death sentence that can and will endanger us and everything we hold dear.

Nah, sin is no big deal. In fact, God must want us to sin…because, well, we want to sin, and God just wants us to be happy. Sin makes us happy, so it must not be bad at all.

So what are we telling people about Jesus again? And why does it even matter?

Rebekah Maxwell grew up from stage to stage in a Midwestern gypsy band, singing and playing music with her family. She was homeschooled from backstage to the front pew, a system that suited her independent, slightly contrary, nature. She completed her high school work at age 16, and then promptly got a job as announcer at a local radio station, opting for a career that combined music, microphones and live performance with a steady paycheck. She began reporting and producing at WHO Radio in 2007, with on-air work recognized by the official alphabet soup: the AP, IBNA, NBNA, RTDNA, NAB (all the while staying far from the TSA and UFOs). While she attended Drake University to learn the ropes of legitimate broadcast journalism, she’s also been quoted as saying that her experience with the Deace Show has been at least as educational as college (and at a lower interest rate). She delights in debating religion, politics, and all other subjects impolite at the dinner table. Her favorite time of year is Caucus season, and she’s an accomplished slam poet, ready to spit the truth…in mad rhymes, if necessary.

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