Help Wanted: National Leader
The following is from the Classified section of The Infernal Times. Printed on asbestos paper, the date is missing.
Help Wanted: Chief Executive to expedite the decline and fall of a great and mighty nation.
*No Experience Necessary.* Indeed, Our Prince prefers the Applicant to have no relevant experience at all. Background in executive management a definite minus. We wish to avoid even the appearance of competence. It is Our Prince’s opinion that when malevolence is at a loss, ignorance will supply what is needed. The most desirable Applicant will have no work experience whatsoever, but will be strongly given to idleness and time wasting.
*Applicant is to be a stranger to the truth.* We seek a chief executive who will lie at every opportunity, even on those rare occasions when it would profit him to tell the truth. It must be accurately said of Applicant that “the truth is not in him.” Furthermore, it is desirable that the Applicant himself shall believe all manner of lies—especially lies that are, on the very face of it, ridiculous (“Islam is a religion of peace,” or “Government must act to eradicate Income Inequality,” and so on). He must be able to pass on and endorse such Mephistophelian whoppers as Global Warming, Comprehensive Immigration Reform, Reproductive Rights, and Marriage Equality without so much as the flutter of an eyelash. Ideally, he will even believe his own lies that he just made up, mere moments ago; and under no circumstances will he knowingly speak truth.
*Applicant must be a stranger to morality.* His character must be without even a trace of “morality” as defined by the Enemy above. He must be altogether without shame, with no ability to experience it, dedicated to wickedness on both the grand and trivial scales. Everything wrong, perverse, unlawful or unreasonable must enjoy his highest approbation and esteem; while all things that the Enemy and His people call good, wholesome, lawful or sensible will have his hatred and contempt. He will present all unrighteousness as righteousness, all things unjust as just, and wrap all covetousness, class hatred, envy, racial animosity, and crime in a covering of “fairness.” Far from being only personal preferences, he will labor to enact all wickedness as public policy backed by the full coercive force of his administration.
*Applicant shall despise his countrymen.* His pride will be such that he will hold himself above the people, as if he were their god. But he will be an alien to their way of life, and will actively frustrate all efforts to preserve it. Instead, he will act to fundamentally transform it by promoting sodomy, atheism, and public education. He will feel himself perpetually wronged and victimized by his own country, and devote himself to taking vengeance. His country’s enemies shall be his friends and allies, and every detail of his policy shall have as its purpose the weakening, abasing, and punishing of that nation.
*Applicant shall be, above all, a fool.* The Enemy has rightly said, on many occasions, that the fool is wise in his own eyes. In his depth of ignorance and sheer inability to achieve self-knowledge, applicant shall consider himself the wisest of all mortals, and certainly the wisest in the 57 states. It will be impossible to advise him. He will surround himself with yes-men and toadies, and listen only to that counsel which matches his own preconceived notions. He will speak inanities and double-talk, and call it wisdom. The sound of his own voice will enchant him.
*Finally, applicant shall habitually invoke the name of the Enemy’s Son, which we shall not mention here, to justify his wicked policies.* In this way he not only takes the Enemy’s name in vain, but also uses the Son to bear false witness against the Father: two “sins,” as They call them, for the price of one.
*Compensation.* Unlimited self-gratification, the exercise of power unrestrained by law, a nice salary with a lovely pension, unlimited vacation time paid for by his working countrymen, and afterward, a great library bearing his name, and all the money he can gobble up in speaker’s fees and book contracts.
Application for this important position may be made by phone, 1-800-HELLFIRE, or in person at the office of Beelzebub, six doors down from the main Gate of Hell.
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